A Beginner’s Guide

There are many levels of BDSM. If you are just starting out, it’s better to play it safe, no matter how hot extreme fantasies or porn gets you (the people in BDSM porn are highly experienced and know the limits of both the gear AND each other). BDSM is not so much about pain as it is about taking you into new dimensions of sexual sensation. Even in ‘normal’ sex, there are elements of BDSM (love bites, hard thrusts, intense nipple suckling) and we usually find them pretty darned hot.

The biggest single thing to remember about BDSM is that it should be SAFE, SANE and CONSENSUAL. And that’s why you will need to spend some time communicating with your partner and making decisions about limits before you embark on your exploration of pain and pleasure. You both have to trust each other—even if you are the one who will be inflicting the pain (topping), your receptive partner (the bottom) must be willing to speak up if the two of you have gone beyond safe physical limits. Part of the excitement of BDSM is that one partner voluntarily gives the other partner power over his or her physical body.

Some of the more common activities involved in BDSM include restraints, blind-folds, nipple clamps, costumes, fantasy play, spanking and whipping, hot/cold sensation play, gags, and master or mistress/slave role playing.

The Safe Word should be negotiated between you both before any play starts. Make it something that you are unlikely to say during sex. Like “Chihuahua.” If gagging is part of the play, then there will need to be some sort of physical signal that is easily perceived by the partner who is topping.

Just because you’ve agreed to try something once, doesn’t mean that you have to do it again. Or that you can’t use your safe word in the middle of it, if you aren’t enjoying the sensation. Nor does exploring BDSM mean that you’ll never enjoy ‘regular’ sex again. It’s just another sexual dish on your menu.

If you’d like to try introducing the idea of BDSM to your partner, it might be a good idea to start a conversation about what each of you enjoy, sexually. If talking about it feels too tough, why not do a list where each of you submits five things you’d like to try and then each of you can rate it on a scale (0 being “not ever” and 5 being “as soon as possible!”). You may discover that you share unvoiced desires.

Once you’ve figured out what you’d like to explore together, start small. Pick a piece of your favourite fantasy and try it out. There are BDSM how to DVD’s and books that can show you how to safely use bondage cuffs, whips, nipple clamps, etc. A pair of fur lined bondage cuffs and a silk scarf used as a blindfold can be a delicious and safe start. Learn how to differentiate between “good” pain (the pain which turns into sexual excitement) and “bad” pain (no one ever got turned on from sore knees). This is where communication with your partner and your safe word or signal comes in.